Saturday, January 24, 2009

It's the car M*&^%r F&^%#^rs

OK, OK. You've been thrown into the action, at ground zero, putting together the next Transporter flick, it's the third. Snap to it. what are our required elements ?

Actors you say, hmm yes on the mark.we'll start with the cast. First the lead.
No problems. We have our familiar constant, Jason Statham, the former world class diver ubiquitous in his new incarnation as a mod action hero;dude with the cool kind of male pattern baldness, we'll deck him out in the thousand dollar suits classically tapered - white set on black; we're off to a flying start here already people.

What's next? The girl. yes, yes of course the girl. What's a film without a girl?... I agree empty and meaningless.

What qualities do we have in mind people?
She must be beautiful you say. Ahh but Beauty is the baseline so making her just beautiful won't do.

No ladies and gentleman, mesdames and messieurs this time we have to up the ante. We must scour the planet till we find exactly what we need. But where you ask.Yes, yes that's right Russia is a good place to find that heart breaking beauty we're striving for. Hey, it's the flavor of the season .

Now how shall we go about making her stand out from the crowd?
Brains. Nope can't go there- will explain later.

I know, I know let's go for the rich palate. Let's Give her strawberry red hair, let's add sky blue eyes, St Petersbourgh blue, eyes known to drive men to complete distraction. Let's set those wondrous eyes in in an almond shaped visage on freckled high cheek bones. Hey and just to be different we'll say she's Ukrainian.

Then what? Well,let's ruin it by having our Russian goddess speak bad English- talk to any Russian emigre in your neighborhood and look for a flaw in their English. There's method to our madness though.

The stage is being set: bad hombre, style to the nines is matched with a particular beautiful adornment - bottom line, making baby doll too bright would blow our desired demographic. It's the FHM, Details, Stuff crowd-yuppies would be or otherwise. This is ornamental man all the way, and our real leading lady is waiting on stage left for her grand entrance.

But we'll stay on track with the next on our list; the bad guy, the villain, malice by any other name. we'll make him lank, the look of an aesthete - they're always suspect for their failure to fit the guy definition, that onerous code of beer ads and sports chat shows. We know this man doesn't follow sports or you know, fit in. He just has to be evil, doesn't he? Don't answer that, strictly rhetorical.

Our dramatis personae is in place give or take all the requisite punching bags and nerd technical support. Now how do we get this party started. What do we have so far: Mood-check, atmosphere-check, venue-check, alcohol-check, but don't you know it's all worth nothing without the music. Relax, chill, take a load off. It's all taken care of. Nope. No problems, we have a fine sound track..

Now we can bring in our lead, our femme fatale. Drumroll please. It's all been a prelude to this. Here she comes, the main attraction.

The AUDI A8 L W12

Le car Du Jour, take a listen about some of the things said about her:
The new A8 L W12 offers sleek styling that cuts through the air with a low 0.27 coefficient of drag, and is powered by a 450hp 6.0 liter V12 engine, the most powerful normally aspirated engine in its class.

Feel free to say it. OOOOOH!!!. Oh and how those numbers bring tears to our eyes. what's left to say. The story; No we don't care much for story. What passes for romance, we'll toss out the odd phrase about haute cuisine without context or debate cos that's sophisticates do - talk in constrained terms.

What about our lovely girl, the beautiful adornment . We will have her act badly, pop a few ludes, hike up and let fly in a quiki mart isle- hey you know how women are in this world; In spite of it all you may well  forgive her her transgressions watching her walk into her captors hands- all intentional my friends, all intentional.

No, no but everything is centered around that beautiful German machinery, the be all and end all.

The sex- the subtext for numero deux was Statham's character was gay, he does little to dispel the notion here, ornamental man is not even allowed good dirty sex,- or violence - the non stop posing that passes for fight scenes, violence like sex is best when it's dirty.

So what do we have people? But of course, the vicarious thrill of seeing that car being driven in a way that no owner would dare. They don't make car ads any better, do they? Feel free to answer that, not rhetorical at all.

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